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Showing posts from February, 2017

My Bipolar Diary IV: I'm Not Crazy!

Hey everyone!

I had make it a habit to update about my bipolar experience for my own pleasure, also for people to start knowing more about bipolar disorder.


This is an important quote that I hold strong.

It is important to destigmatise bipolar disorder. We often expect people with bipolar disorder to throw tanthrum all the time, upset and sad, but chatty and talk a lot during their manic episodes.

My bipolar episodes was rather mild compared to lots of other survivors. Most suffers from instant change and extreme. which continue to exhausts them.

If you think that you have mental illness journey that you want to share, do surf and share them at
http://relate.com.my/participate/your-voice/



"I used to feel ashamed of my mental health condition, but now I refuse to let stigma and stereotypes dictate how I feel about myself. If you stigmatize me, that's your ignorance, not my truth."
Rachel Griffin

My Bipolar Diary III: How Do You Know that You are Depressed?

The first time I met the doctor, more than a month ago, the doctor ask significant questions to me.

I think I have depression.


Since when? - Last year.

Why do you only seek for help now? - Because I think it would go away. It never leaves, since.

What about your sleeping pattern? - Very bad, I hardly fall asleep at night.

How about your mood? - Bad in the morning. Easily annoyed. Get angr real quick.

Let's go back to your sleeping pattern. How many hours do you sleep? - 4-5 hours.

At what time did you go to bed? - 10 pm.

What time did you fall asleep? - 2 - 3 am.

Do you wake up in the mid of sleeping? - Yeah.

Do you have episodes where you are extremely happy and extremely sad? - Most of the time.

How you doing at work? - OK.

And few series of question was continuously asking about my daily mood.

It goes back to my depressive episode, anger fit and everything that has been haunting me. Last year was the peak of everything and soon that I realised I need help.

I was thankful and pr…

#ShowOffReading: Why are You So Sad? A Novel by Jason Porter

I guess this question echoes in my head everyday?

Jason Porter has slowly moving out the questions of being clinically depressed and continues to ask people around him with a set of questionnaire. Are you happy now? Why are you not doing this, that?
And all the odds.
I think it's creepy to have someone who thinks the way we do, and feel the way we feel. It's like we share common experience and waty of handling it *especially the sleeping and hiding in blanket*. Now that we continuously feel the same; we find someone that we love and want to be with all the time. 
I just hope my partner will forever be able to tolerate me during my low and high and listen to me more than myself listen to  my thoughts all the time.
I don't need a savior.
I need someone who will get through this with me.

Judging Went Wrong

Allamanda Putrajaya’s washroom is filled in seconds after the movie ended. Girls fixing their make-up, some fixed their clothes (which somehow moves while sitting static on a chair, but that is none of my business).
I’m fixing my lipstick on the mirror. A woman with her daughter waited nearby. I guess they are waiting for turns to use the toilet, until suddenly the daughter asked.
“Mak, why does that women doesn’t wear tudung?”
I guess I’m in shock, but tries to hide my inner battle in my head. What shook me more is the answer from the mother:
“Only women who are not afraid of God, doesn’t listen to what Him who doesn’t wear tudung. Men doesn’t like women who doesn’t wear tudung. Don’t be like her.”
I walked and smiled at the mother.
“Well, I would be shocked if I met you in hell later. See ya!”


My Bipolar Diary II: Prescription for Dummies (Part 2)

Yikes, I started this post with statistics which I myself is unhappy with. Living with bipolar disorder is not an easy thing /tsk
I found an article who writes about the struggle of treating bipolar disorder. Full article here, but I'll just pick the thing that matters:
"The problem with treating bipolar is that the only two choices of medications you can take are mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics. Also, when you experience bipolar, chances are that’s not your only problem. I also had to be on anti-anxiety medication and a sleep aid. And you have to find the perfect combination with the least amount of interactions. Some drugs can’t be mixed together."
I was given Olanzapine as my first prescription, together with Epilim. According to Drugs.com, Olanzapine is used for treating schizophrenia. It may also be used for other conditions as determined by your doctor.


Olanzapine is an atypical antipsychotic. Exactly how it works is not known. It is thought to affect certain…