I see my world is blue
but it's too quiet
and I was feeling sore
The bed I can't get up
The room I can't light on
The ground I can't step in
Just another day I wish I don't live
Is this a beginning to an end?
Is this when everything will soon be dark?
Am I going to sink?
Am I drowning?
- (I'm struggling with depression and anxiety, a bipolar low in mid week and it really affects my productivity, send some stuff to me to feel okay again)
p.s: I do suggest this Spotify playlist from The Buddy Project, to lift up mood!
Monday, August 7
Everyone who knows me know that I am a bibliophile - and I'm targetting myself to read 60 books this year (Follow my 2017 Reading Challenge on Goodreads!)
So on July, a reading community called BookendsMY had organised Buku Tebal Challenge, where we got to read a book, over 500 pages, and post our reviews about the book in any platform. I always loved Goodreads because it allows writer to read comments about their books and interact with them, too.
So my pick for the Buku Tebal Challenge was American Gods by Neil Gaiman.
Phew. It was a roller coaster ride for two days I spent on this book, ignoring everything that happened in this world just for Shadow's adventure.
I can't find anything that I hate about this book, truly a read that brings the meaning of belief and religion and emotional attachment and detachment, value of life and death to a person, and to believe that something has bigger power than we do.
I think I was hallucinating much from this book. My imagination goes wild and it inspired me write something for myself!
(I don't want to ruin anyone's experience reading this book - and I'm looking forward for the TV series!)
UP NEXT is my second choice, A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin. Everyone who knows me know I'm a big fan of Game of Thrones and this book series just going to enhance the details of the TV series.
The ebook version I've read for this book has 588 pages. That's half of total printed book and I'm not sure why, but it's thoroughly an enjoyable read.
It's not bad at all, it just focuses more on characters and setting development than A Storm of Swords, which is so action packed and comes right before it.
It's not as actiony as A Storm of Swords but you'll meet some amazing characters and learn a lot more about the world. It's definitely worth reading.
Kinda like how A Game of Thrones and A Clash of Kings lead up to A Storm of Swords, that's what's happening with A Feast for Crows.
But I'm kinda disappointed that Jon/Daenerys/Tyrion is not in this book, but they are mentioned few times. Anticipating the next book because the political games just got real-er and better!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST; A Dance with Dragons also from George R. R. Martin. This challenge just provide me opportunities to finish all my thicc books LOL
To begin with, while A Dance with Dragons touches upon almost all the books central characters, it's main focus is on Tyrion Lannister, Daenerys Targaryen, and Jon Snow .We do hear briefly from Arya and Bran and get a healthy dose of Stannis Baratheon and Queen Cersi with some Jaime sprinkled in, but the bulk of the novel concerns The Wall, The Imp and the Mother of Dragons.
Westeros is a ravaged and war torn kingdom. House Lannister still controls King's Landing under Tommen's rule although it is tenuous at best. The Lannisters have earned themselves many enemies throughout the seven kingdoms and just about all of them are contending for the Iron Throne so the plotting, scheming and backstabbing, that Martin so loves to feature, are in full force in A Dance with Dragons. In the far north, Jon Snow has been promoted to Lord Commander of the Night Watch. He not only has to deal with the massive army of Wildings at his doorstep, but winter is coming and the threat of the Others looms heavily over Jon. He will be forced to make some very difficult decisions in order to keep the realm safe and his men satisfied. Meanwhile, across the narrow sea in Erros, Daenerys Targaryen has assembled a great host and marches forth in order to liberate the slaves and eradicate the trade. This task compels her to postpone her quest to reclaim the Iron Throne and she manages to make some powerful enemies while her power and her dragons slowly mature.
This was a lengthy read, phew! My ebook version is 916 pages long instead of 1000+ pages but it took forever to finish, thoroughly an adventurous read. More complicated plots and spin offs are coming, gladly I came to finish all the 5 books! Anticipating the last 2 books, tho.
So that's my read for July [lengthy and exhausting]! I have read books so far this year and I have 25 more pending - with lots of books wishlist which I wish I read!
Saturday, July 8
It's second half of the year and I'm half way through my life as 22 year old woman who still trip and make mistakes, stumbles here and there, try to make life worth living, somehow.
I did this game on Twitter, 1 like = 1 lesson learnt in life. So I decided to take it here and document all my thoughts on life, because every single thing I've learned so far is an advice to future me.
1. Everything is temporary. People, attention, position, affection. Nothing stays forever and I've lost enough in life.
I've lost a lot of friends and enemies through time of my life. I get discouraged when people left my life, for whatever reason they did. I tend to blame myself, thinking where did I went wrong, until I came to my realization that nothing lasts forever. I raised myself to not depends to anyone anymore and be a new me - an individualistic person who values myself over everything else.
2. People have different opinions. But opinions can be molded with bigotry, racism and sexism, because it is used to justify ourselves.
I've written so much about bigotry, racism and sexism over the time. My thoughts remain the same and I believe everyone has their own thoughts. I respect your opinions but if it's against humanity and harming anyone else, it's no longer a valid opinion.
3. Allow yourself to grow into a better person everyday. Drink water when you are anxious. Keep yourself close to food.
We tend to be very hard on ourselves. I, am very easily frustrated person when I couldn't accomplish things I want in life. I met failures and will cry over some minor faults, blaming myself for days and weeks. I just couldn't let go of some stuffs and thus, I wish I can accept them over the time.
4. Read a lot of books. See from different perspectives. Travel the world without having to move anywhere. Knowledge will bring you to places.
Cannot stress this more. I love reading so much, I can read two books in a day, passionately and ending up in different side of the world. This is why I love reading, I can be in any part of the world, at any time. It's like time travelling. Trust me, you'll enjoy this hobby!
5. Love yourself first, then anyone else. It's hard to do, I know, but if you don't love you, then who else would do?
I have hard time to love myself. My body unfit and obese and I do not appear as attractive as many young girls. I have dark skin and bad eyesight. I don't like to socialize and I do not smile as frequent. But this is just me. I fall in love with myself when I realize this is me. This is my body and my soul. Who else would love me?
6. Mind your own business. The more you mind other's life, the more troubled yours are. Take care of your own problems, stop being bitter.
Of course I enjoy gossips and drama, but the older I get, the lesser I involve in other's life. Not that I didn't care about anyone else, it's just my life is already miserable, get it?
7. Criticise yourself for having opinions. Dissect your thoughts deeply before thinking you are right all the time.
I learned this the hard way. I gone through a lot of internet bashing and bullying to learn that we are all on different side of a coin. We revolve through the same atmosphere but our mind speaks differently. I learned that I have to think twice before giving out my thoughts.
8. Always be compassionate and kind towards others regardless their religion, race, gender and sexuality. Small things matter.
I was very homophobic and racist back then in my life, soon before I learn that we all have differences, that I have my privileges and I can help marginalized people with it. People changed!
9. Treasure every moment you have with person that love you only. Don't waste time with people who just wanna mess your life.
When I say I ditched people from my life, I was being true to myself. I kept my loved ones close to me, I took care and ask about their life daily. Not everyone in your friend list and contacts are worth your attention.
10. There's no turning back when you have made a decision, though you may regret it one day. When another door closed, few more doors will open!
I learned that my poor-decision making has led to me making a lot of mistakes. Still learning, but I guess I lack of time to prove myself to the world. But let's see how life rolls!
11. Know the difference between toxic and healthy relationships. Family could be toxic to you. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
Again I mentioned about relationship because I couldn't stress this more. Don't waste your time and emotions for something not worth it.
12. Remember important dates. Celebrate every moment in life. Life is short, so make it sweet. Live to the fullest.
Giving yourself celebration is worth it. There's always a need to be joyful about your achievement. Go live it. Pamper yourself.
13. Take your time to recover from bad memories. Time will not heal completely, it will leave you scarred for life, but have faith.
People that say time will heal actually lied. I have lots of bad memories in life and I hold grudges. I can't possibly speak for anyone else but you cannot completely recover, scar will remain but you can forgive but not forget.
14. Pick your battles. You can't fight everyone in life no matter how different your ideas and opinions. Stay silent and reflect yourself.
The social media has been a good example for me to stop fighting people in there and wasting my time. I could do better.
15. There's a price you have to pay for every action. All the consequences you have to bear in the future will make you grow and prosper.
Every decision I made has become fruitful and all the lesson I learned for it, I learned it the hard way and me becoming who I am today.
That's it. Some stuff I learned in life, 5 months away before I turn 23. Now, I just want to live as a happy person (despite continuous anxiety attack and drowning depression)!
Sunday, July 2
In the age of social media, humans has engaged actively with each other, bringing debate virtually and connecting opinions with facts. As much as the optimization of Internet to discuss and engaged in intellectual discourse, there’s so much limitation to what we really have to say.
Engagement on the Internet gives time to the audience to compose their thoughts, thus a user might be responding after some research and deep understanding of the context of debate they are in. Most users never really took the time to think about their arguments and usually resorts to ad hominem. This engagement usually needs to nowhere, when ideas and opinions should be discussed critically.
While most Internet users seeks social media as an escapism; a place for fun and relaxing medium, some used social media to educate and discuss important topics. Dissemination of information is faster on social media, and users are free to discuss their opinions. Opinions in the meantime, could be shaped by bigotry, sexism, or racism, for which it appears to be something that we believe in, by nurture. This is why rape or racist jokes, for example, still become a common thing to us.
Due to our differing opinions on how a society should be shaped and run, these clashes has led to arguments and debate. It is a healthy culture for people to question, it is a practice of freedom of speech and expression. The question is, when do we find end to debates? Will we ever find something that we will agree on, or we just followed and believe what we believe in, without resorting to insults or emotional attacks to those who have different opinions as we do?
To debate or not, we can always pick our battles. There are people out there up for trolls and throw mean words, but we can always have time to respond calmly and choose not to engage with them. Be wise while using the Internet can never hurt. As they say, never feed the trolls.
Being active in social media for so long, there’s so much limitation to our thoughts and how others might interpret it. Twitter for example, the limit to 140 characters and fast-paced updates has led to many debates sparked left undiscussed and often diverted into personal attack, and sometimes involves targeted harassment.
It is time for us to realize that it is someone’s liberty to disagree with us, and it is okay. Let’s see things from different perspectives for a while and we might find something that we can agree on. We might have different opinions, but life is not always black and white. Sometimes it’s grey. Everything is possible, and one day our thoughts and perspectives changed over the time, due to our encounter and experience. In the meantime, we can always listen to others for their thoughts, embrace the truth and abandon the rotten part of it.
Thursday, May 18
I haven't written quiet awhile about my bipolar journey - I think my depression really gets me drowned into a dark pit. I have been in low moods, low appettite, constant anxiety for a month and more now - reason why I stopped blooging my experience.
To a lot of people, opening up about mental health condition isn't an easy thing, especially to people that you love, solely because you don't want to burden them with your "small" issues. I always think that my problem is small, crying, whining, frustration, blankness as something that I shouldn't talk with anyone, just because other people had it worst than me, but they managed it well.
But I came across one article the other day telling me - everyone have their own limit and capacity of managing stress. Yours is smaller, but that's okay. You will thrive and get through it by time. Time will heal, of course.
So I went for my last appointment with my psychiatrist today - and I got prescribed with an antidepresssants - Escitalopram. I googled it to know more about my meds before I did something wrong or take my doses wrong (haha!)
So escitalopram is used for treating depression or generalized anxiety disorder. It may also be used for other conditions as determined by your doctor. Escitalopram is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). It works by restoring the balance of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain, which helps to improve certain mood problems.
I was prescribed to take this pill once a day - I think to boost my moods because sometimes things get worse and I'm moody all the time. Let's see how things works for me in next two months!