Thursday, May 18

My Bipolar Diary VI: New Antidepressants

I haven't written quiet awhile about my bipolar journey - I think my depression really gets me drowned into a dark pit. I have been in low moods, low appettite, constant anxiety for a month and more now - reason why I stopped blooging my experience.

To a lot of people, opening up about mental health condition isn't an easy thing, especially to people that you love, solely because you don't want to burden them with your "small" issues. I always think that my problem is small, crying, whining, frustration, blankness as something that I shouldn't talk with anyone, just because other people had it worst than me, but they managed it well.

But I came across one article the other day telling me - everyone have their own limit and capacity of managing stress. Yours is smaller, but that's okay. You will thrive and get through it by time. Time will heal, of course.

So I went for my last appointment with my psychiatrist today - and I got prescribed with an antidepresssants - Escitalopram. I googled it to know more about my meds before I did something wrong or take my doses wrong (haha!)

So escitalopram is used for treating depression or generalized anxiety disorder. It may also be used for other conditions as determined by your doctor. Escitalopram is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). It works by restoring the balance of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain, which helps to improve certain mood problems.

I was prescribed to take this pill once a day - I think to boost my moods because sometimes things get worse and I'm moody all the time. Let's see how things works for me in next two months!


Sunday, March 26

My Bipolar Diary V: My Ups and Downs (Part 2)

Hey!

Previously I talk about my ups (overly excited and joyful, bright side of me) but we haven't got into what monster I can be during my downs (depressive, dull and empty episodes).


Bipolar depression has the same “low” symptoms as depression:

  • Prolonged sadness, depressed mood, or unexplained crying spells
  • No interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Loss of energy
  • Difficulties with sleep—either sleeping too much or not at all
  • Changes in appetite—significant weight gain or weight loss
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
In my lows, I had to spend more time, which usually last around one or two weeks. I sleep a lot and those are the thing that affect me the most. 

Suicidal thoughts? Most of the time. It's the emptiness of the feeling that kills me slowly. I don't want to feel empty and sad and misery, and most of the time I lay in bed blinking and hoping I will feel happy or dead, there's no in between. 

Sunday, March 19

Poem: Blackhole

As I stare emptily
to the ceiling above me
as my feeling won't set free
and stay still I'll be

Why does this black hole come again
Bring all together the pain
as I cried in the rain
just to keep myself sane

I can't possibly be crazy
when I have never be
But why won't this feelings let me go
They stuck to me like piece of Lego

On depressed days - I write things like this to remind my manic phase that it will come again to me, slowly like a creepy stalker. It will never go, but I shall thrive and survive again from this "black hole".

Sunday, March 12

My Bipolar Diary V: My Ups and Downs (Part 1)


This could be the most relatable comics about my blogpost today!

Diagnosed with bipolar disorder had made me learn about my body and my mood and how I react a lot. I realised that my racing thoughts, sleepless night are something and not just part of the things I had to face at school and and at work.

Having it means - having hypomania:
  • happy, euphoric, with a sense of wellbeing
  • lots of energy
  • sociable
  • racing thoughts
  • creative and full of ideas and plans
  • like you can perform tasks better and more quickly than normal
  • impatient, irritable or angry
  • confident, with high self-esteem
  • attractive, flirtatious and/or with more sexual desire
  • restless, on edge and having difficulty relaxing
  • heightened senses – colours may seem brighter, sounds louder and things more beautiful

How I reacted during hypomania:

  • more active than usual
  • taking risks
  • very friendly
  • very talkative or writing a lot
  • sleeping very little
  • signing up for and taking part in lots of activities
  • taking on extra responsibilities
  • wearing colourful and/or extravagant clothes
  • making lots of jokes and puns
  • finding it hard to stay still - moving around a lot or fidgeting


This phase can last a week or two, but as soon as it finished I can be really tired. I will be in a black hole named depression and these period feels like forever. Having bipolar disorder, for me, means I had to go to certain extremes at time and I can never look back.

Anyone else having hypomania or mania? Share in the comments!

Sunday, March 5

Empty

Empty
is like a ceiling without chandelier
Room full of liar
and coated with sugar

This feeling
that has been vibing
emotion raging
pulse racing
but mind-blowing

I can't put things into words
For better or for worse
And nothing that I can buzz
For smoking or fuss