Saturday, July 8

15 Lessons Learnt in Life

It's second half of the year and I'm half way through my life as 22 year old woman who still trip and make mistakes, stumbles here and there, try to make life worth living, somehow.

I did this game on Twitter, 1 like = 1 lesson learnt in life. So I decided to take it here and document all my thoughts on life, because every single thing I've learned so far is an advice to future me. 

1. Everything is temporary. People, attention, position, affection. Nothing stays forever and I've lost enough in life.

I've lost a lot of friends and enemies through time of my life. I get discouraged when people left my life, for whatever reason they did. I tend to blame myself, thinking where did I went wrong, until I came to my realization that nothing lasts forever. I raised myself to not depends to anyone anymore and be a new me - an individualistic person who values myself over everything else.

2. People have different opinions. But opinions can be molded with bigotry, racism and sexism, because it is used to justify ourselves.

I've written so much about bigotry, racism and sexism over the time. My thoughts remain the same and I believe everyone has their own thoughts. I respect your opinions but if it's against humanity and harming anyone else, it's no longer a valid opinion.

3. Allow yourself to grow into a better person everyday. Drink water when you are anxious. Keep yourself close to food.

We tend to be very hard on ourselves. I, am very easily frustrated person when I couldn't accomplish things I want in life. I met failures and will cry over some minor faults, blaming myself for days and weeks. I just couldn't let go of some stuffs and thus, I wish I can accept them over the time.

4. Read a lot of books. See from different perspectives. Travel the world without having to move anywhere. Knowledge will bring you to places.

Cannot stress this more. I love reading so much, I can read two books in a day, passionately and ending up in different side of the world. This is why I love reading, I can be in any part of the world, at any time. It's like time travelling. Trust me, you'll enjoy this hobby!

5. Love yourself first, then anyone else. It's hard to do, I know, but if you don't love you, then who else would do?

I have hard time to love myself. My body unfit and obese and I do not appear as attractive as many young girls. I have dark skin and bad eyesight. I don't like to socialize and I do not smile as frequent. But this is just me. I fall in love with myself when I realize this is me. This is my body and my soul. Who else would love me?

6. Mind your own business. The more you mind other's life, the more troubled yours are. Take care of your own problems, stop being bitter.

Of course I enjoy gossips and drama, but the older I get, the lesser I involve in other's life. Not that I didn't care about anyone else, it's just my life is already miserable, get it?

7. Criticise yourself for having opinions. Dissect your thoughts deeply before thinking you are right all the time.

I learned this the hard way. I gone through a lot of internet bashing and bullying to learn that we are all on different side of a coin. We revolve through the same atmosphere but our mind speaks differently. I learned that I have to think twice before giving out my thoughts.

8. Always be compassionate and kind towards others regardless their religion, race, gender and sexuality. Small things matter.

I was very homophobic and racist back then in my life, soon before I learn that we all have differences, that I have my privileges and I can help marginalized people with it. People changed!

9. Treasure every moment you have with person that love you only. Don't waste time with people who just wanna mess your life.

When I say I ditched people from my life, I was being true to myself. I kept my loved ones close to me, I took care and ask about their life daily. Not everyone in your friend list and contacts are worth your attention. 

10. There's no turning back when you have made a decision, though you may regret it one day. When another door closed, few more doors will open!

I learned that my poor-decision making has led to me making a lot of mistakes. Still learning, but I guess I lack of time to prove myself to the world. But let's see how life rolls!

11. Know the difference between toxic and healthy relationships. Family could be toxic to you. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Again I mentioned about relationship because I couldn't stress this more. Don't waste your time and emotions for something not worth it.

12. Remember important dates. Celebrate every moment in life. Life is short, so make it sweet. Live to the fullest.

Giving yourself celebration is worth it. There's always a need to be joyful about your achievement. Go live it. Pamper yourself.

13. Take your time to recover from bad memories. Time will not heal completely, it will leave you scarred for life, but have faith.

People that say time will heal actually lied. I have lots of bad memories in life and I hold grudges. I can't possibly speak for anyone else but you cannot completely recover, scar will remain but you can forgive but not forget.

14. Pick your battles. You can't fight everyone in life no matter how different your ideas and opinions. Stay silent and reflect yourself.

The social media has been a good example for me to stop fighting people in there and wasting my time. I could do better.

15. There's a price you have to pay for every action. All the consequences you have to bear in the future will make you grow and prosper.

Every decision I made has become fruitful and all the lesson I learned for it, I learned it the hard way and me becoming who I am today. 

That's it. Some stuff I learned in life, 5 months away before I turn 23. Now, I just want to live as a happy person (despite continuous anxiety attack and drowning depression)!

Sunday, July 2

Respecting Differences

In the age of social media, humans has engaged actively with each other, bringing debate virtually and connecting opinions with facts. As much as the optimization of Internet to discuss and engaged in intellectual discourse, there’s so much limitation to what we really have to say.

Engagement on the Internet gives time to the audience to compose their thoughts, thus a user might be responding after some research and deep understanding of the context of debate they are in. Most users never really took the time to think about their arguments and usually resorts to ad hominem. This engagement usually needs to nowhere, when ideas and opinions should be discussed critically.

While most Internet users seeks social media as an escapism; a place for fun and relaxing medium, some used social media to educate and discuss important topics. Dissemination of information is faster on social media, and users are free to discuss their opinions. Opinions in the meantime, could be shaped by bigotry, sexism, or racism, for which it appears to be something that we believe in, by nurture. This is why rape or racist jokes, for example, still become a common thing to us.

Due to our differing opinions on how a society should be shaped and run, these clashes has led to arguments and debate. It is a healthy culture for people to question, it is a practice of freedom of speech and expression. The question is, when do we find end to debates? Will we ever find something that we will agree on, or we just followed and believe what we believe in, without resorting to insults or emotional attacks to those who have different opinions as we do?

To debate or not, we can always pick our battles. There are people out there up for trolls and throw mean words, but we can always have time to respond calmly and choose not to engage with them. Be wise while using the Internet can never hurt. As they say, never feed the trolls.

Being active in social media for so long, there’s so much limitation to our thoughts and how others might interpret it. Twitter for example, the limit to 140 characters and fast-paced updates has led to many debates sparked left undiscussed and often diverted into personal attack, and sometimes involves targeted harassment.

It is time for us to realize that it is someone’s liberty to disagree with us, and it is okay. Let’s see things from different perspectives for a while and we might find something that we can agree on. We might have different opinions, but life is not always black and white. Sometimes it’s grey. Everything is possible, and one day our thoughts and perspectives changed over the time, due to our encounter and experience. In the meantime, we can always listen to others for their thoughts, embrace the truth and abandon the rotten part of it.

Thursday, May 18

My Bipolar Diary VI: New Antidepressants

I haven't written quiet awhile about my bipolar journey - I think my depression really gets me drowned into a dark pit. I have been in low moods, low appettite, constant anxiety for a month and more now - reason why I stopped blooging my experience.

To a lot of people, opening up about mental health condition isn't an easy thing, especially to people that you love, solely because you don't want to burden them with your "small" issues. I always think that my problem is small, crying, whining, frustration, blankness as something that I shouldn't talk with anyone, just because other people had it worst than me, but they managed it well.

But I came across one article the other day telling me - everyone have their own limit and capacity of managing stress. Yours is smaller, but that's okay. You will thrive and get through it by time. Time will heal, of course.

So I went for my last appointment with my psychiatrist today - and I got prescribed with an antidepresssants - Escitalopram. I googled it to know more about my meds before I did something wrong or take my doses wrong (haha!)

So escitalopram is used for treating depression or generalized anxiety disorder. It may also be used for other conditions as determined by your doctor. Escitalopram is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). It works by restoring the balance of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain, which helps to improve certain mood problems.

I was prescribed to take this pill once a day - I think to boost my moods because sometimes things get worse and I'm moody all the time. Let's see how things works for me in next two months!

Sunday, March 26

My Bipolar Diary V: My Ups and Downs (Part 2)


Previously I talk about my ups (overly excited and joyful, bright side of me) but we haven't got into what monster I can be during my downs (depressive, dull and empty episodes).

Bipolar depression has the same “low” symptoms as depression:

  • Prolonged sadness, depressed mood, or unexplained crying spells
  • No interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Loss of energy
  • Difficulties with sleep—either sleeping too much or not at all
  • Changes in appetite—significant weight gain or weight loss
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide
In my lows, I had to spend more time, which usually last around one or two weeks. I sleep a lot and those are the thing that affect me the most. 

Suicidal thoughts? Most of the time. It's the emptiness of the feeling that kills me slowly. I don't want to feel empty and sad and misery, and most of the time I lay in bed blinking and hoping I will feel happy or dead, there's no in between. 

Sunday, March 19

Poem: Blackhole

As I stare emptily
to the ceiling above me
as my feeling won't set free
and stay still I'll be

Why does this black hole come again
Bring all together the pain
as I cried in the rain
just to keep myself sane

I can't possibly be crazy
when I have never be
But why won't this feelings let me go
They stuck to me like piece of Lego

On depressed days - I write things like this to remind my manic phase that it will come again to me, slowly like a creepy stalker. It will never go, but I shall thrive and survive again from this "black hole".