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My Bipolar Diary

A week before I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder – I struggle to sleep at night. I guess I’m so used with having lack of sleep at night. Result from it, I barely wake up early in the morning. It impacted my working hour, where I’m most productive is after lunch. Morning time? Moody to the max.

I decided to apply for leave for one day, Friday. I knew I was battling depression since last year. But I decided to keep it with me, thinking that time will cure. If anyone tell you time will cure your mental illness, they are lying.

I knew getting treatment for mental health is a privilege. But now that I have a job and I can afford meds and treatment, I took a step forward with it.

A week before I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder – I threw an anger fit in the car because my boyfriend make a joke. I can’t remember what joke is it about, but I was so angry, I was hitting myself, I’m shouting and crying. Anger fit usually last a day inside my body. Hence, after throwing anger fit I feel so tired – emotionally and physically.

A week before I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder – I been having suicidal thoughts. Hopeless at times, and unable to perform well at work. I feel so dissociated with my colleague, I feel like everyone doesn’t need me and I should’ve be dead by now. Every night these thoughts haunts me and I can’t sleep because feeling bad about work, I think that I better quit my job. While my progress is slow, I got demoted and I know that I wasn’t doing well at work. More thoughts jumping in and I barely breathe. I am drowning in tonnes of work and experience that limits me from doing my best.

The day I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder – I was so nervous and I thought of leaving the hospital. I waited patiently and the doctor asked questions. I was predicting I only suffered from depression and nothing more. Living with Bipolar wasn’t in my expectation, but I guess it has been there since forever?

I was prescribed with Epilim and Olanzapine, mood stabilisers and sleeping pills, I guess. I slept so hard during the weekend and only wake up to swallow my pills. That was quite sometimes when I sleep so soundly. Sleeping better makes me feel better.

Mood wise?

I still get feelings when people raised their voice, or when the tones used are different. I’m so sensitive to people’s treatment towards me and I don’t know if they even meant what they say to you.

I wasn’t sure to tell my mom, if she will ever understand. I told my sister and she tell me to “stay sane”. I guess I am so normal before. Why do people tell me to stay sane when I never had been “crazy”?

I’m writing this article because I hope more youth gets diagnosed as soon as possible. Public hospital also do diagnose for mental health and it’s much cheaper. Reach out to your close friends who understand you. It’s a bumpy road but we will have someone to help us, along the way.

(6th of January - 13th of January)
Epilim x Olanzapine


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