Friday, August 19

Living with Depression and Social Anxiety

When I was a kid, I will faint when my mum bring me to the wet market (because there is a lot of people)! Also, when my father wants me to order food in the cafe, I will die inside and try to avoid the situation. Most people think I'm arrogant.

But the real thing is:

I grow up as an introvert for a long time. I isolate myself from people, most of the time.But as time evolves, I break through the barrier by joining debate, and became the ace of the team. Same goes to university. And then I go through this "exhaustion and silence" period where I caught up with depression; insomnia, difficulties to wake up, mental breakdowns, emotional outbursts and things gets out of hand, for more than 2 years, while trying to jumble up and down with my academics. I can never explain myself why I failed and why I cannot perform in classes and exams, yet I tried because I went back over and over again to my mother's repetitive advice. I just need to graduate from my university and secure a job.

When I left for internship, my friends has warned me that I will be facing a lot of people and I cannot use my mental condition: which I discovered that I've been dealing with social anxiety all these years. But not able to walk out from it and unable to mingle like others, truthfully it hurts me and I feel like I've spaced out from the community and group of people I lived in. 

The past 2 years back then has became triggering memories that I wouldn't want to remember, but I cannot forget them. Being thrown into depression when you just suddenly cried at 3 am for no reason and feel "okay" again, or could never sleep even if you are exhausted as fuck. 

I am still struggling today, and I will struggle tomorrow or forever, nobody will know. But what I know now is; I am a survivor and I will survive. 

No comments: